Manhattan

I don't know how to start … Everything is confusing and the ecstasies haven't made on me any effect. It is a beautiful night and I still wonder when did I quite? when did I decide to feel no more? Why am I so afraid and what the fuck is wrong with me?

My name is Tangerine, 24, tall, good lover and always changing the color of my hair. It feels like you can be someone different every week. I'm on a bridge with the sounds of the sirens behind me. I'm staring at the beautiful moon that is all over Manhattan. I'm smoking my cigarette asking myself all over and over again what happened to me. I didn't use to do drugs so often and I used to connect with boys really easily. Suddenly something happened, I started to feel that someone or something was missing. I tried but everyone seemed to be the same for me I couldn't feel even a thing, no love, no hate, no pity, nothing at all, it was like a black hole inside me. The only thing that made me feel something were drugs. LSD is the best one, it opens your mind and makes you see the truth about yourself, even the worst things, it takes you honestly to the next level. Anyway, I met a lot of boys doing drugs in parties, most of them really handsome ones but it was obvious they just wanted a thing from me and fortunately I wanted the same thing from them. Then you notice that being someone handsome is not enough. I asked myself where did the chemistry go? Maybe it flew away at the right moment I stopped believing in love, maybe I killed love, just the concept… yeah maybe as Nietzsche killed the concept of God.

Kissing is a punishment without feelings, sex too and the silence after that is worse. Hormones make you feel pleasure but there is nothing else and you keep your best memory in mind. Yeah, that memory with the person you feel everything and more at the same time, that person that could make you happy just with a smile. But that is how it has to be, maybe someday I will find my feelings again, maybe jumping the bridge and going into the water, going really deep, feel and touch the bottom, maybe then I will feel something. 

This cigarette is finishing and I just wish you were here, we really were just two lost souls.